If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Happens to everyone.
stop
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.