My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Plant care tips
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.