If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
#oldknees
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
this FaceApp is creepy af
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
the way this pissed me off… 😭