[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania