As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
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My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Interior design 👌
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
i- i did not expect this
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.