When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud