Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Genius idea!!
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”