So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
When I said I liked it rough.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.