I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.