You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Please do it!
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway