Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.