ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
no regrets
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Ovenable?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster