If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
You Might Also Like
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.