every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat