So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
You Might Also Like
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.