Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.