Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Alexa: *deep breath*
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious