Cow it started Cow it’s going
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
The Friday File.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.