Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Am I having a stroke?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.