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Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.