husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
CUTE CAT‼︎
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.