Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
tis the season
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
my mom making me talk to relatives