Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My new favorite headline
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.