The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
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sleeping beauty
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
step 6: release the wall snake
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable