BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
You Might Also Like
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
starting a garage orchestra
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
incredible book dedication
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr