If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I need a headline like this
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.