BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.