I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
You Might Also Like
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”