I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.