If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
can I use a minion as a tampon
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.