Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.