My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
You Might Also Like
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.