*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)