Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files