Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
No way!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
getting groceries
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.