Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower