[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Some people were born into their job.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.