Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Boating season is upon us.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way