ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You Might Also Like
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Livid.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same