Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
You Might Also Like
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching