If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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Me: Same
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.