Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.