My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Who’s your best friend?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
So sick of all these stupid rules
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one