I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
How to wake up a Beagle
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.