Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Why am I like this?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
only 11 steps left
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.