I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore