If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I hate when that happens.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign