*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
The little toadstool has spoken.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.