(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.