Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.